Guest post by: @K_ZEER
Formally known as the San Francisco 49ers, the San Francisco “2-and-6ers” enter their bye week with their heads held high after beating the equally depressing Denver Broncos (2-6). The week off could not have come at a better time, not only because it allows the team to reacclimate to Pacific Daylight Time after playing in front of a European crowd at the infamous Wembley Stadium (most Euro fans are still wondering why the goal posts were yellow instead of white, and why they did not boast an attached net as well), but more importantly, the week off gives Coach Mike Singletary more time to heed the advice of this writer and for goodness sake, GROW A MUSTACHE!!!
The mystique of the NFL is part of what makes it so damn entertaining. Whether it is trying to predict game winners each Sunday (See “expert” Eric Allen’s pick-em record), pinpointing Ed Hochuli’s steroid schedule, or even how to coach in the league without worrying about X’s and O’s. We at perezsolomon.com have uncovered the latter through much research (Magic 8 Balls and Ouija Boards) and can emphatically proclaim that coaching success in the NFL simply revolves around growing a mustache.
Don’t believe us? Take a look at these storied tenured coaches who figured out that growing an upper lip-jacket goes well beyond giving out mustache rides to women:
THE TOP 6 NFL COACHES WITH MUSTACHES
1. Mike Ditka (11 seasons for Chicago and 1 Super Bowl appearance): Ditka is the full-embodiment of MAN. Arguably the world’s only defense for Chuck Norris, “Iron Mike” sported the mustache like a badass and sure enough, success followed.
2. Mike Holmgren (7 seasons for Green Bay and 2 SB app., 10 seasons. for Seattle and 1 SB app.): Rumor has it that Brett Favre hasn’t missed a game because combing Holmgren’s ‘stache gave him eternal strength…and the charisma to send cock-shots to women.
3. Bill Cowher (15 seasons for Pittsburgh and 2 SB app.): Despite popular belief, Cowher’s chin wasn’t responsible for success, in fact his mustache led the Steelers to success. Culminating in 2006 when he kissed the Lombardi trophy, actually his mustache was so irresistible that even former players Kordell Stewart and Joey Porter wanted some of it too!
4. Tony Dungy (7 seasons for Indianapolis and 1 SB app.): Tony Dungy did not need Peyton Manning as much as he needed his mustache.
5. Jeff Fisher (17 seasons for Houston/Tennessee and 1 SB app.): With the “80s Pornstar” mustache on Fisher’s face, we all know the true Motor City Miracle.
6. Andy Reid (12 seasons for Philadelphia and 1 SB app): Okay, you’re right, his mustache has nothing to do with football, he only has it to save food for later.
Honorable mention: Brad Childress
In the words of Keyshawn Johnson, “C’mon Man!” Coach Singletary, just grow the damn thing already. At least with a mustache, you can lose the occasional game and still look good doing it. Well, actually for the city of San Francisco to see success in the NFL again, Coach Singletary may have to grow more than just a mustache.