Ten Things Girls Don’t Get About Guys

this guest post is by meredith fineman from fiftyfirstjdates

1. why do you give such short answers to questions that clearly require a longer response?

i am waxing poetic about my turkey sandwich and the fact i’m unsure if a romper is appropriate attire for a night-time party. can you give me more than one line about where our relationship is going?

2. how do you decide which side to “tuck” your “stuff” in your pants?

i know this is crude, but really. how do you decide? how does one “tuck”? does it depend on your mood if it’s a “tuck left” day? does a “tuck left” mean that you’re pissed you lost at madden?

or is everyone a “right tucker” or a “left tucker” by nature? or is this like a girl’s part, and you can wear it lots of ways? burning questions. (the burning being unrelated to that area.)

3. why do you rub/touch your tummy?

this is pretty subtle, but boys often rub their stomach, and sort of lift up their shirt a little bit when they’re bored, waiting around, or hungry. this is mystifying. are you pregnant? are you wondering if your belly button is still there? (it is.) do you want to be burped? (if so, turn around.)

4. why would you ever wear sweatpants without undies (also basketball shorts).

seriously. this is uncomfortable. i know your cash and prizes are very comfortable, but i can see the outline of your package. and like i don’t want to look, but oh hey there it is and i’m trying not to look and i don’t want to, and its like my eyes are burned to your nether regions but i cant help but look back, oh hey there it is again.

and around and around we go. put on some boxers.

5. how do you shower so fast?

i need my face wash. and my body wash. and my toe wash. and my razor. and my shaving cream. and my shampoo, and my conditioner. and then my leave-in. and maybe my body exfoliating shining sparkle vanilla mint almond chocolate pomegranate-acai scrub from bliss.

if i were able to shampoo, shave, condition, and soak with the hand-soap like you guys, i guess i’d be quicker too.

6. is it really that hard to make plans ahead of time?

i know it’s monday, but like, i have a bunch of dates and an important thing with my waxer on thursday, and i wanted to go to stacy’s bbq on saturday with that girl who i interned with, so i don’t want to go out that late friday, but like, are you taking me to dinner or not?

7. why do you take everything so literally?

no, “i hate you” doesn’t actually mean i hate you. in fact it means the opposite. i love you. don’t leave, i don’t actually hate you. i was just being hyperbolic. and it’s opposite day. and i was just trying to get your attention. oopsies.

8. how are you so simple and easy to please?

you like food and blow-jobs. i like jo malone, but only on tuesdays. and cranberry apple walnut muffins but only when i’m not feeling fat and bloated and only from that place in union square that’s totally organic and only when it’s being sold by that cute boy named zed who has his own eco-farm.

you didn’t bring me the gluten-free version!?

9. what does it feel like to grow hair on your face?

sometimes we have the occasional peach-fuzz, or the unfortunate unibrow that we learned to take care of in the sixth grade. but a full-on beard. what does that feel like? weird. itchy?

10. why do you think the tv can hear you?

newsflash, it can’t. but the neighbors and the cat down the street can.

(and zed. he’s standing outside with the correct muffin. jeez.)

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